Rurouni Kenshin Does Vegas
by Luriko-Ysabeth
Summary: The cast of Rurouni Kenshin living in Vegas, with appropriate careers or lack of same. COMPLETE.


MEGUMI(rebandaging Sanosuke's hand): Idiot, I *told* you not to use that   
hand for three weeks, and what do you do? You go and get in a fight with   
some half-brained thug right outside of Kaoru's school.  
  
SANOSUKE: He was harassing Tsubame-chan, vixen!  
  
MEG: So let Yahiko beat the crap out of him. That's what he's there for.   
Or let Kaoru -- it's her school. Or call a cop; we've certainly got   
enough in this town.  
  
SANO: But --  
  
MEG: No buts! Set up your next appointment on the way out, and stay OFF   
the Strip or I am so canceling our next date.  
  
SANO: But --  
  
MEG: I was thinking about it anyway, after the low-talent half-dressed   
burlesque you took me to last time.  
  
  
JOH-LURI PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS  
RUROUNI KENSHIN DOES VEGAS  
  
  
~waiting room of Megumi's clinic~  
  
SANO: I'm supposed to come back in for rebandaging in about a week.  
  
TOMOE(at appointment computer): How would next Tuesday at five in the   
evening do?  
  
SANO: Sure. Man, don't you *ever* smile?  
  
TOMOE: Certainly. When I see something worth smiling at. Idiocy is not   
humorous.  
  
SANO: Shit, between you and the vixen... what are you reading now, by the   
way? It doesn't look like Nausicaa.  
  
TOMOE: I finished *Kaze no Tani no Nausicaa* last week. This is Marcus   
Aurelius' *Meditations*. (shows him) You might profit by reading it.  
  
SANO: Ch'. It's not manga. I can't see any quote brackets.  
  
TOMOE: Miss Komagata, the doctor will see you now.  
  
(Yumi, in a mink coat, enters the office as Sano leaves the room)  
  
SANO(on his way out the door): But what's the fucking use of a book with   
no panels or talking?  
  
~walking along the street from Megumi's clinic, near the large hotels, as   
the sun is setting~  
  
TOKI: Please take this flyer, sir. (hands it to him)  
  
SANO(reading it): 'Lying With Statistics: Common Gambling Fallacies.'   
Ch', who gives a shit about statistics? (crumples the paper up and tosses   
it in the nearest trashcan)  
  
KATSU: Hey, Sano! Take this flyer. (gives it to him)  
  
SANO(reading it): 'Free Mumia.' Who the fuck is Mumia? I swear, Katsu   
gets weirder every day. (wads it up and tosses it)  
  
ENISHI: Sir! Take this flyer! It could be of VITAL IMPORTANCE to you!   
(presses it on him)  
  
SANO(reading it): 'Forgiveness. In times past, I was consumed by   
bitterness. I blamed everyone and anyone for my personal tragedies. I was   
unable to let go of the past.' K', *that's* for sure. 'Then, when I let   
the Grace of God into my heart...' (stops, stares at the flyer as if it   
were Hyottoko's underwear, wads it up, and tosses it into a trashcan   
halfway down the block) Score! (pause) Y'know, that's the first *good*   
argument I've heard for the fucking Shougun outlawing the Christos back   
when...  
  
~within a small but glitzy hotel and casino whose sign proclaims it to be   
the Heartvine*. Near a table in its restaurant where a group of sabaku   
samurai and Shinsengumi are being served by a red-headed figure~  
  
*Aoi  
  
KENSHIN: Hi, my name is Kenshin and sessha will be your waiter this   
evening de gozaru. Today's specials are -- hello, Sanosuke! (waves) --   
that's a good friend of mine, Sagara Sanosuke. He knows all the best   
gambling spots in Las Vegas, so if you want to know where to go you   
should just ask him de gozaroo. (niko) Tonight's dinner specials are   
steak aux souseiji, salmon...  
  
(Sanosuke passes him into the casino proper, and the bar and stage at one   
end. He stands at a tall, small-topped spindly table, and O-Kon comes up   
to him dressed in a skimpy cocktail waitress outfit.)  
  
O-KON: Our first customer of the evening! What can I get you?  
  
SANO: Just beer for now, babe. Sapporo. I feel lucky tonight, and I don't   
need to get muzzy.  
  
O-KON: One Sapporo it is, hon. Coming up. (sashays over to bar) OKINA!  
  
OKINA: Good thing I've got another ear on the other side of my head,   
*that* one's shot. What is it?  
  
O-KON: One Sapporo.  
  
OKINA: Yare yare... coming up. (draws it and gives it to the kunoichi,   
who carries it back to Sanosuke)  
  
O-KON: Your Sapporo, hon.  
  
SANO: Thanks. (drains half of it) Where's O-Masu?  
  
O-KON: Hanging around the tables.  
  
SANO: Isn't that a little dangerous? Not to say anything against your   
skills, but there are some dangerous customers out there, and that   
outfit's an incitement to violence if there ever was one.  
  
O-KON(saucily): That's what rent-a-cop there is there for. (flicks her   
eyes to Aoshi, leaning unobtrusively against the wall in his trenchcoat,   
before sashaying off. Sano watches her behind all the way)  
  
MISAO(exploding in): Sanosuke! Can you believe it? I mean, *tonight* me   
*tonight* I can't believe it my god *Aretha* can you believe it *me*...  
  
SANO: ?  
  
AOSHI(dryly): She's opening for Aretha here tonight.  
  
SANO: Well, *hey*. When?  
  
MISAO: Ten. Isn't stunning? Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it fantastic?  
  
SANO: I'll have to come back later tonight -- k', I can always see   
Ikumatsu and the Rockettes tomorrow night.  
  
MISAO: Great! O-MASU! ANOTHER ONE!  
  
AOSHI: NO. No more Surge for you.  
  
MISAO: But, Aoshi-samaaaaaa.....  
  
KENSHIN(wandering over, one of the men from his table in tow): Sanosuke,   
Koyo-dono has called in sick today --  
  
SANO: That's a shame. She's a babe.  
  
KEN: Yes, it's a pity she's sick -- but Sae-dono called the school, and   
Kaoru decided that she could entrust the Kamiya School of Dealing to   
Yahiko and Yutarou for the day and came over here.  
  
SANO: Jouchan's dealing? Where?  
  
KEN(pointing): Over there de gozaru.  
  
SANO: Oh yeah, I see her... who's your friend?  
  
KEN: Oh, this is my ex's ex, Kiyosato-dono.  
  
KIYOSATO AKIRA(politely): Any friend of my wife's husband is a friend of   
mine.  
  
SANO(blinking): Oh. (pause) Does that woman *ever* smile?  
  
KEN: Certainly de gozaru yo.  
  
AKIRA: She even laughed at the opening credits to *Monty Python and the   
Holy Grail*.  
  
MISAO(listening in): That doesn't count. *Anyone* would laugh at the   
opening credits of *Monty Python and the Holy Grail*. *Aoshi-sama*   
laughed at the opening credits of *Monty Python and the Holy Grail*.  
  
SANO: Yeah. I bet those Vulcans of *Sagara-taichou's* would laugh at the   
opening credits to *Monty Python and the Holy Grail*.  
  
KEN: Sagara-dono's what?  
  
SANO: Oh, didn't I tell you? He's got an acting job at Star Trek: the   
Experience, over at the Hilton.  
  
OKITA(who wandered up during the last part of the conversation): What a   
small world. So does Takatsuki Gentatsu-san. He and Shigure Takimi-san   
are going to take me clubbing tomorrow night.  
  
KEN: Really? That should be a lot of fun de gozaroo.  
  
OKITA: Oh, yes. We're going to start at Kamatari's Place.  
  
SANO(making a lemon-sucking face): Uhhh...  
  
AKIRA: I thought you and psychocop...?  
  
OKITA: Oh, no. That was a running gag. (pause) It always sent his lady   
into whoops, too.  
  
SANO: Well, I'm for the tables.  
  
O-KON: Your drink?  
  
SANO: Put it on my tab.  
  
~the table where Kaoru presides, dealing cards with a wooden paddle~  
  
KAORU: Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.  
  
SANO: Six. (Which he promptly loses) I can't believe I lost to the house   
AGAIN.  
  
KAORU: Maybe you ought to do something else with your hard-earned cash,   
like pay off your bar tab. But then again, Tae said that she'd probably   
have a heart attack if that ever happened, and Okina would die of the   
shock.  
  
SANO: Shit, does *every* woman I know want to 'straighten me up' somehow?  
  
  
KAORU: No; only the intelligent ones.  
  
O-MASU: One for your side.  
  
SANO: Well, I wouldn't want to be responsible for deaths, so I'll bet   
eight.  
  
A LADY IN AN ERMINE COAT: I must say, the Heartvine's class has gone down   
recently. Look what they're letting in.  
  
SANO: Yeah, look.  
  
(Some time later, Tae comes out of the kitchen, goes through the dining   
room, and up to the table where Sanosuke is playing)  
  
SANO: Hi, Tae. How are you doing?  
  
TAE: Fine.  
  
SANO: And your twin sister?  
  
TAE: Sae's fine.  
  
SANO: And Tsubame-chan? That creep bugging her didn't overset her too   
much?  
  
TAE: She's fine too. Kaoru, I need to talk to you.  
  
KAORU: Why didn't you send Tsubame-chan?  
  
TAE: Not in a *casino*. She's underage. (whispers in Kaoru's ear)  
  
KAORU: (whispers in Tae's ear; the only words audible are 'Misao's   
opening')  
  
TAE: (whispers in Kaoru's ear some more)  
  
KAORU: Anata!  
  
KEN(appearing at her side): Yes?  
  
(Kaoru whispers in Kenshin's ear. He goes off)  
  
SANO(noting Kenshin's direction): Having him call to make sure   
Yahiko-tachi haven't burnt the place down yet, Jouchan?  
  
KAORU: Something like that. Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.  
  
(Sano, O-Masu, and the lady in the ermine coat are still playing when   
Saitoh and Kenshin come up)  
  
SAITOH: Ms. Akizuki, you have the right to --  
  
ERMINE COAT: Do you know who I *am*? Do you know what I've --  
  
SAI: I don't care how much money you've paid how many people off with. My   
division doesn't take graft, and you are under arrest.  
  
E.C.: But --  
  
SAI: Prostitution is not legal within the Las Vegas city limits, and   
neither child prostitution nor heroin distribution is legal *anywhere*   
within the State of Nevada. I've been looking for you all afternoon;   
we've already raided your places of business.  
  
E.C.: (glares)  
  
KEN: I don't think she's a very nice person de gozaru.  
  
SAI: Battousai, your capacity for understatement never ceases to amaze   
me.  
  
KEN: But what about the children?  
  
SAI: We're looking into temporary foster care...  
  
KAORU: Anata, collect Yahiko and Yutarou and bring them all to stay at the   
school.  
  
SAI(breathing a sigh of relief): Fill out the paperwork at the station.   
(He, Kenshin, and Aoshi escort the zwilnik in the ermine coat out)  
  
SANO: K', never a dull moment around here.  
  
O-MASU: It's usually quieter.  
  
AOSHI: If that's all the excitement we have tonight, I shall be quite   
satisfied.  
  
SANO: I can't *believe* --  
  
O-KON: That we had an arrest?  
  
SANO: That I lost *again*.  
  
KAORU: I'll pay your losses tonight if you'll do me a favor.  
  
SANO: What?  
  
KAORU: I completely forgot that Kenshin was supposed to meet Hiko-san at   
the airport tonight. He's got a car rental arranged and everything, but   
he'll expect to be met and I'm working and the guys are all off and I'm   
*not* sending Tsubame in the dark, so you'd better go and meet him.   
You'll get back in plenty of time to hear Misao. 'Kay? 'Kay? Bye!  
  
~outside the Heartvine~  
  
SANO: Shit! I don't have a car! How does she expect me to get to the   
fucking airport? (sigh) Guess I'll have to bother the vixen...  
  
~just outside the airport, in Megumi's car; she's driving~  
  
MEG: You really owe me for this one, Sano.  
  
SANO: I know, vixen. I'll make it up somehow.  
  
MEG: You know the airport's going to be a madhouse.  
  
SANO: Here, turn in at the car rental place where Sohjirou works. We can   
get a ride in from him.  
  
MEG: You know, that's actually a good idea.  
  
~in the car rental shuttle~  
  
MEG: Thank you again for letting us ride in to the terminal.  
  
SOHJIROU(driving): Oh, no problem. (niko) It's not as if we were full or   
anything.  
  
SANO: I think this is it.  
  
MEG: This is Ticketing. We want the baggage claim.  
  
(Sohjirou brakes the van, waits for its other passenger Takasugi to get   
off, and hands him his luggage with a dazzling smile)  
  
SOH: Thank you for choosing us! Do come again! (turns to his other two   
passengers) We'll be at the baggage claim in just a few moments! (niko)  
  
~the baggage claim~  
  
(Hiko has just won twenty dollars in quarters from a slot machine while   
waiting for his bag)  
  
YAMAGATA ARITOMO: How *do* you do that?  
  
HIKO: Just lucky, I guess.  
  
SANO: We're here to meet you.  
  
MEG: Ken-san's out righting wrongs and saving the day and can't make it.   
Sorry we're late.  
  
HIKO: Oh, that's all right. I'd much rather look at a lovely woman than   
my idiot disciple, anyway.  
  
MEG: Why, thank you.  
  
SANO: Grrr....  
  
~the car rental van~  
  
MEG: What a coincidence that you're renting your car from this place.  
  
HIKO: I like to think of it as a fortunate occurence.  
  
SANO: Who does he think *he* is?  
  
SOH(cheerfully): The master of Hiten Mitsurugi-ryuu?  
  
SANO: K', aren't you ever serious?  
  
SOH: But I am serious. (niko)  
  
SANO: Y'know, I ought to fix you up with the vixen's secretary.  
  
SOH: Oh? (niko)  
  
SANO: Yeah. She never smiles, and you never stop. Obviously a perfect   
match.  
  
SOH: Is she cute?  
  
SANO: Cute? The chick is Ayanami Rei with long dark hair, I'm telling   
you.  
  
SOH: What's her phone number? (niko)  
  
SANO: The vixen's got it. (pause) I'll get it from her when she isn't   
talking to some jerk with more hair than she has.  
  
SOH: Here we are.  
  
(The four of them get off the shuttle; a red convertible is parked in   
front of the office. There is a slight blur, and then Sohjirou hands Hiko   
the car keys)  
  
HIKO(putting the keys in the ignition and opening the door): I'm going to   
go take in the revue at the Luxor and then go play the numbers. (sits   
down) Want to come with me?  
  
MEG: Sure, why not. (gets in the car)  
  
(The car drives away, leaving Sanosuke and Sohjirou standing there)  
  
SANO: W-w-w-w-WHAT THE FUCK?  
  
SOH(with cheerful sympathy): It's the car. Chicks dig the car.  



End file.
